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Miscarriages are a devastating reality in this fallen world, yet, until very recently, it seemed that most people kept their experience a secret. The time period during my miscarriage and subsequent struggles with infertility felt lonely and never-ending. Although deeply personal, I feel my early miscarriage story is important to share, so, hopefully, one person might feel like they are not alone. This story is part of a larger story in my journey to motherhood and to blogging, and, ultimately in my own sanctification.
Deciding to Grow Our Family
In the Fall of 2013, I desired an addition to our little family.
My husband was not on the same page, and I became bitter. I found myself increasingly upset that he was not ready, that he had excuses, that he felt it was not yet God’s timing. Never did I ask that God’s will be done. Never did I ask that God’s desires be mine. No, I asked that my husband would give in to my wishes.
The next few months were very difficult for us. I had to switch positions at my job. My new routine was much more emotional and demanding. Quickly taking a toll on our marriage, all the turmoil culminated in a massive fight that only left hurt feelings.
We both spoke to mentors, privately and as a couple. Ready for a change, our evenings were transformed and we actively started spending quality time together. We dreamed about our future and prayed. Together, we agreed to leave our future family in God’s hands, looking to Him for our future.
April of 2014 was the first month we, “left it up to God.” Despite stating that I trusted His sovereignty over our family, I still felt a bit of heartache when my period came. This cycle was painful, physically and emotionally. Fear crept in as the bleeding continued for two weeks.
I sat next to my phone for hours waiting for the doctor to call me back – praying and holding back tears. Anxious questions such as “Is there something wrong? Will we be able to have children?” ran through my mind. Finally, the phone rang.
“No worries…everyone has an irregular cycle from time to time.” The sinking pit in my stomach begged to differ, and they compassionately gave me an appointment for the next day.
My husband went with me. We visited a birthing center, the place I envisioned delivering our first child. The facility was beautiful, birthing rooms decorated to feel like home and windows overlooking a private pond. Our nurse-midwife shared her faith, her trust in God through the process. We were at peace that this was the right place to be, but I could not shake the sinking feeling that something horribly wrong was happening.
Later that afternoon, I drove to our church to help a couple decorate for their wedding. My husband was also there helping, as he was the best man. It was mother’s day weekend and the weekend before our 2 year anniversary – this was supposed to be a time of celebration and happiness.
I heard my phone ring from across our church gym and knew. I think my husband knew as well, as he followed me to a small, quiet, empty room.
You’re having an early miscarriage
“Hi, Allyson. I decided to stay late tonight to get your results. Your beta HCG level was 46. I’m so sorry Allyson…you’re having an early miscarriage.”
The rest of that weekend was a blur. I immediately went to the birthing center for a Rhogam shot. The midwife didn’t believe any antibodies had developed yet, but she wanted to be safe. I put on a happy face at the wedding rehearsal and during the wedding the next day, hiding the pain inside. Hiding the fact that my husband and I were trying to stay busy so we didn’t have to go home.
So we didn’t have to face reality.
Little did we know, our journey to becoming parents was far from over. My early miscarriage story is part of a much bigger story of sanctification, redemption, and hope – trusting in God’s sovereignty and keeping our eyes on Him in all things.
Part 2 of my early miscarriage story and journey to motherhood can be found here.
Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Resources
Your or your friend’s early miscarriage story may be different than mine, but there is a wealth of miscarriage and pregnancy loss resources available. Even in the years since my experience, several Biblically-based books have been published. Here are the resources I most suggest.
Inheritance of Tears: Trusting the Lord of Life When Death Visits the Womb – This is a short, Gospel-filled book that answers many of the questions you may be asking following your miscarriage. I highly recommend giving this to a friend or family member after a loss.
My Baby’s Heart Stopped Beating – by Jasmine Holmes at Desiring God
“The worst thing that I had imagined happening for the past few weeks happened two weeks ago. I lay on the floor in our apartment hurting physically, emotionally, and spiritually, battling more pain in every way than I had ever felt, and I screamed, “Why?”
I’m a “good Christian girl” from a “good Christian family,” so I know not to ask, “Why me?” Yes, of course, I deserve death, hell, and the grave (Romans 3:23). In those hardest moments, the Sunday school answer that I was doing “better than I deserved” echoed within me. But still, I couldn’t help but feel cheated.”
Perfect Joy Ministries – Joy Bundles – Provides “bundles” containing handmade hats, blankets, and other tokens of remembrance
Lincoln’s Hope – Hope-filled boxes provided free to families experiencing miscarriage or infant loss. The boxes contain a Bible, a book on miscarriage and infertility, mug, necklace, Scripture cards, and a letter from a family who has also experienced loss.
Let’s Talk About Your Early Miscarriage Story
Have you ever experienced an early miscarriage? Would you be willing to share in the comments below, especially how God drew you near to Him during this time?