My Early Miscarriage Story

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Miscarriages are a devastating reality in this fallen world, yet, until very recently, most people did not talk about them.  The time period during my miscarriage and subsequent struggles with infertility felt lonely and never-ending.  Although deeply personal, I feel my miscarriage story is important to share, so, hopefully, one person might feel like they are not alone.  This story is part of a larger story in my journey to motherhood and to blogging.  I hope you continue reading with me to see how God has used this event for my sanctification.

 

Early Miscarriage Story

Deciding to Grow Our Family

In the Fall of 2013, I started to desire an addition to our little family.

My husband was not on the same page, so I did what every good Christian wife should (not) do…Nag.  I got upset that he was not ready, that he had excuses, that he felt it was not yet God’s timing.  Never did I ask that God’s will be done.  Never did I ask that God’s desires be mine.  No, I asked that my husband would give in to my wishes.

The next few months were very difficult for us.  I had to switch jobs, to one that was much more emotional and demanding.  All of our turmoil culminated in a massive fight that only left hurt feelings.

We both spoke to mentors, privately and as a couple.  Our evenings were transformed and we actively started spending quality time together.  We dreamed about our future and prayed.  Together, we agreed to leave our future family in God’s hands.

April of 2014 was the first month we, “left it up to God.”  I still felt a bit of heartache however when my period came.  This cycle was painful, physically and emotionally.  Fear crept in as the bleeding continued.

Seeking Answers

I sat next to my phone for hours waiting for the doctor to call me back – praying, crying.  Anxious questions such as “will we be able to have children?” ran through my mind.  Finally, the phone rang.

“No worries…everyone has an irregular cycle from time to time.”  The sinking pit in my stomach begged to differ, and they compassionately gave me an appointment for the next day.

My husband went with me.  We visited a birthing center, the place I envisioned delivering our first child.  The facility was beautiful.  Our nurse-midwife shared her faith with us.  We were at peace that this was the right place to be, but I could not shake the sinking feeling that something horribly wrong was happening.

Later that afternoon, I drove to our church to help a couple decorate for their wedding.  My husband was also there helping, as he was the best man.  It was Mother’s day weekend and the weekend before our 2 year anniversary.  This was supposed to be a time of celebration and happiness.

My phone rang.  I heard it across our church gym and knew.  I think my husband knew as well, as he followed me to a small, quiet, empty room.

“Hello?”

You’re having a miscarriage

Miscarriage Grief
“Hi, Allyson.  I decided to stay late tonight to get your results.  Your beta HCG level was 46.  I’m so sorry Allyson…you’re having an early miscarriage.”

The rest of that weekend was a blur.  I immediately went to the birthing center for a Rhogam shot.  The midwife didn’t believe any antibodies had developed yet, but she wanted to be safe.  I put on a happy face at the wedding rehearsal and during the wedding the next day, hiding the pain inside.  Hiding the fact that my husband and I were trying to stay busy so we didn’t have to go home.

So we didn’t have to face reality.

Our journey to becoming parents was far from over.  My miscarriage story is part of a much bigger story of sanctification, redemption, and hope.

Part 2 of my journey to motherhood can be found here.

Early Miscarriage Story

16 Responses

  1. Keisha says:

    This is so beautiful! Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story. My husband and I also have an angel baby in heaven. God is the only one that can get anyone through such a hard time as this. I remember my miscarriage like it happened yesterday.

  2. How heartbreaking! I’m so sorry! I had an early miscarriage between my third and fourth babies that very few people know about.

  3. Julie says:

    I had 2 early miscarriages between my kids. It’s painful and anxiety-inducing when you aren’t sure if you’ll be able to have a child!

  4. Merry says:

    Thank you for sharing – you are right. There is still such a silence involved with miscarriage and infant loss. I appreciate you sharing your journey.

  5. Erin says:

    Suffering a miscarriage feels like such a lonely place to be. I’m so glad God and my husband were in it with me. Thank you for sharing.

  6. Melissa says:

    What a tremendously difficult situation with the pain of the miscarriage and having to be “happy” at the wedding. Too many women have suffered in silence during miscarriages. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing.

    • The weekend felt like a perfect storm. The more I share though, the more I hear of other women who have experienced the same loss. It not only helps me process, but, hopefully, will help at least one other person feel that they are not alone.

  7. Kristi says:

    I”m so sorry. I know there are no words for the loss you have felt, but I lift you up in prayer.

  8. ” My miscarriage story is part of a much bigger story of sanctification, redemption, and hope.” As I was reading, my heart got so heavy for you and your family. I’m so glad you acknowledged this truth at the end of this post. Such beautiful words to cling to, and something I will also keep close to my heart! Losing a child is extremely difficult. Everyday we have to pick up these words, even when it’s hard to.

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